Royism
Roy was a long time employee who always had the strangest way of looking at things. Roy is a great guy, a little rough around the edges but a great guy none the less. On the other hand, if there was a job in the shop that needed that mechanical touch, he was the first one to take on the challenge.
If it was quitting time, or the shop slowed, he was the first one out the door. It was never a dull moment when he was around. You just never knew what he is going to say next. Sometimes it sounded like an old sailor who’d been on ship too long, other times he would go into song. You just never knew what was going to spring forth. For the most part, it didn’t matter who was around, he was going to tell his version of his story with his usual flare. Of course, you had to sort through his vocabulary to get to the meaning of his latest yarns, but I found them rather entertaining and rather amusing at times.
For Roy, four letter words were adjectives, or sometimes verbs. I tend to forgive him for all that; I’m guilty of it too at times. I just don’t have his colorful anecdotes.
I started to collect these anecdotes and off color sayings. I called them “Royisms”. Roy had a way of coming up with one for just about any situation or any subject you can think of.
Here’s a few of them. Oh, there’s more, but I’d don’t think the “adjectives” can be cut out of them and still be able to say it the way he does…. Roy, is truly a one of a kind.
Here are a few of my favorite “Royism’s” that I can share, and believe me; it took some work to clean them up!
I’ll give the definition first….then Roy’s anecdote.
Here goes:
If you needed to be extra careful while doing something;
Roy - “Like a toad walking” (I guess if a toad is walking, he’s being careful…)
How to describe to someone who’s flat broke, (usually Roy would say this about himself);
Roy - “So broke, I could fart in my pocket and still not leave a scent.” (I love this one…)
Bolts, nuts, or anything that are stuck or hard to move;
Roy - “Tighter than Dick’s hat band” (Dick’s hat band? How did it get so tight?)
Something is about to fall apart, or something that’s very loose;
Roy - “Like Maggie Mootie’s pooty” (your guess as to what a pooty is)
Something that is hard to find;
Roy - “It’s like looking for hen’s teeth” (hmm, can’t say as I’ve ever found any hen’s teeth myself…)
When you really don’t care about something;
Roy - “I couldn’t give a rat’s ass” (I’d like to know, how is it that you obtained a rats butt. Where did ya get it, and why in the world would you even have one to give away. The big question is; what will that rat do if you gave away his backside? … I just don’t get it. There’s an answer here… but I’m not sure now what the question was.)
Some absolutely useless item;
Roy - “Like a snow plow in summer” (Ok, a snow plow… it’s not used much in the summer, I got it… So… what’s useless in the winter time?)
When something is not really needed right away, but you would like to keep it handy and easily attainable;
Roy - “Park it in the north 40” (Only my Grandpa would park something in the north 40, but that was usually something he wasn’t ever going to use anymore. Sometimes I wonder if Grandma wanted to put Grandpa out in the north 40.)
After he learned something new about a car, or saw something that didn’t need any more explaining;
Roy - “Don’t do any good to blink, seen enough the first time.” (He’s done, don’t explain it again. It’s not worth the effort.)
When asked about beer (his favorite subject);
Roy -“You should never drink and drive… … … … ya might spill some.” (I’m sure Roy could put a few away on the weekend.)
Quitting time equaled;
Roy - “Beer thirty” (Too obvious…)
When he was sick, and not coming into work that day, he would call and tell me;
Roy - “I feel like Hammered sh$t!” (Now I’m asking a simple question here, how… um… did ya … um … figured out what hammered sh$t felt like? Hopefully not by example…)
Explaining an oil change to the new intern;
Roy- “An oil change is just like using the “john”, it ain’t over till the paper work is done.”
Yep, that’s Roy… quite a character.
Like I said, there are hundreds more… but I won’t go there.
I’m sure a lot of us know a Roy, and I’m sure if you’re like me, you’ve had to sort through their tales of tales. Amongst all the vernacular of phrases there lies a heart of gold.
Even with his choice of comments he still was a good hand and truly a good friend. He doesn’t work at my shop anymore, he moved back to his home town some time ago. He stops by now and then just to check up on me, and even then he’ll spout out another phrase or two while he’s here.
Everybody should know a “Roy” at least once in their lifetime.
He’s a different sort of character… and one you’ll never forget.
